We can't change unless you tell us how to!

That was the general theme of the whole Antispyware Conference, to some degree - the Adware guys not only begged for our help to clean them up (because they apparently can't work out how to do this themselves), but they also blamed the antispyware guys for their woes.

Sorry guys, I think you'll find your awful programs, lack of uninstall features and a total absence of scruples will do that for you.

I'm currently piecing together a .PDF document which details the whole event in - er - detail. For now, I'm simply going to give a brief overview of what went down in SF. However, I should warn you - I've gone all West Coast, y'all. Baggy pants are in, Ak-47's straight outta' Compton (or at least, the Old Navy Store, they do great discounts) and pimp goblets are now where it's at. I've also changed my name to Blasta Bling Bitch the Second. Mad Gangsta' props to the Sunbelt Software crew, my homeboy Wayne at X-Block, that streetwise assassin Ben Edelman, all the fly mack daddies from the Pctools website and Suzi and Eric, my posse at Spywarewarrior.com.

Word to your mutha.

ANTISPYWARE CONFERENCE OVERVIEW

With a wealth of information to cover, I was rather stuck for choice with regards what to discuss. Would it be the FTC rep who kept saying "It depends" when faced with a tricky question? Perhaps Eric L. Howe's attempts to turn the debate away from the red-herring of labels and semantics. Or how about Wayne Porter's excellent points about no support structure being in place for Adware/Spyware's victims (have you ever seen an 0800 number offering technical support as Ceres slowly melts your PC?)

Instead, I've decided to focus on one particular element of the day's events. It was something which made me laugh all the way home, and it should make you laugh too. What are we laughing at?

Total. And utter. Stupidity!

That's right, one Adware guy came out smelling of roses (well, they might have wilted a bit in the heat but you weren't likely to retch when smelling them), and two guys might as well have cuffed themselves and paid the $11 to go sit in a cell in Alcatraz.

Bill Day, CEO of WhenU, really gave the impression that he was trying. Within 20 days of coming to power (probably a bloodless rise to power, though the whole Godfather thing does seem a more exciting way of doing it), he stopped Active X installs, put in a 20% decrease in popup ad frequency and also implemented an 0800 / 1-800 number for, er, customers?...of WhenU. He rolled with the punches, and probably came the closest to giving a Japanese-style apology for past atrocities (wait, did the Japanese ever actually issue one?...whoops, well maybe a German one then. We can't get those guys to stop apologising!)

Cynics would argue that he's been doing a whistlestop tour for an age saying the same thing, and exactly where is this freephone number located? Can a victim outside the US call it? Possibly, but it's likely to cost a bomb. European support please, Bill! Do that, and you'll be moving one step further away from the "treat people as parasitical hosts and less like customers" business model that seems to have always been in existence.

However....

Two guys who probably wished they hadn't showed up were Jeff McFadden, CEO and President of Claria, and Daniel Todd, head of everybody's favourite Adware guys, 180 Solutions. Did someone say Spazbox? Don't worry, they will...

But back to Jeff, who nailed a perfect 10, if your idea of a perfect 10 is making yourself look stupid and annoying the host into the bargain. Esther Dyson, CNET Editor, had painstakingly put together a list of install types, business info and "dubious practices" that each of the major adware players induge themselves in. It was stressed quite heavily that Claria DID NOT do Active X installs anymore. Cue this guy, and a nuclear projector slide from Hell:



"Hi! I'm Ben Edelman and with the help of this fake (yet humorous) caption, I'm going to lay the smackdown upon thee!"



Claria guys: "Ah - security! We need this Edelman guy off the premises now! Er, he's selling T-Shirts with Claria Sux0rs teh b0xorzz!!112 on them!....oh dear...now we just need to make sure Jeff doesn't say anything silly....please God, don't let him say anything silly..."



Jeff: "I would like to say that we do NOT use Active-X in our installs anymore".



Yep, that's right, they don't - apart from the BIG ASSED PICTURE OF ONE on the giant projector screen behind the panel, of course. In the words of Esther, "One of us is going to look very silly after I've said this - I thought you said you didn't do Active X anymore?"

Cue lots of furtive mumbling, lots of angry stares and a handful of furtive glances towards the fire exit. No Jeff, you wouldn't have made it. I know Kung-Fu.

His answer was just as priceless: it's not regular Active-X, it's the other Active-X. You know - user initiated Active-X.

Oh well, that's okay then. Go home Ben, pack up your things Wayne and I'll join Suzi and Eric in the hotel lobby because that showed us!

...not. This was such a delicious moment, and yet tomorrow I'll be giving you an insight into something far more devastating. For 180 Solutions, anyway. Seen the film Twelve Angry Men? Well, how about twelve-thousand angry men, all lined up around the block and ready to kick some Adware-vendor booty...



"Grrr!"