So, my TV shows nothing but porn

..oh dear, it's all gone a bit Spinal Tap. After setting out at what feels like days ago (probably because it was days ago), I finally arrived in California with about 24 hours of permadeath non-sleep in tow. My room thing is awesome, and at the risk of sounding like some idiot Englishman impressed by the fact that I have my own kitchen area....holy cow! I have my own kitchen area! Look, a fridge!

Imagine my dismay, then, to find that for some reason, the TV is permanently locked onto a porn channel.

Remember the TV sets from 1984, where you could dim the picture right down but never completely switch it off? Well, same deal here and no amount of contrast fiddling will alter the fact that Bawdy Betty's Big House O' Bonk will not get off my damn television set.

I tried turning it round on the swivel stand, but as there's a big mirror behind it all I saw for my troubles was people getting jiggy back to front. I can't even get to the plug to switch the stupid thing off, never mind alter the volume, so if you happen to pass my room and hear mad cries of passion, it's nowhere even NEAR what you might think, and I'm not hosting some sort of Hugh Hefner style party in my room.

I wonder if it goes up to eleven...